Misfortune cookie

I have decided that I am anti-fortune cookie.

I was at Panda Express last week and they made sure to hand me a fortune cookie. But I never opened it and probably never will.

Why?

Two main reasons.

The first is taste. I've never actually eaten a fortune cookie and rubbed my belly afterwards and said "That was good. MMMMMMMMM." Fortune cookies really don't taste like anything and they often get stuck in between your teeth. I've never had a pleasant experience eating a fortune cookie.

The second reason I ignore fortune cookies is the fortune inside. Generally, the fortune inside is not tempting or thrilling enough for me to open the cookie. Often the fortune inside is rather vague or offers some kind of statement, rather than a fortune. For instance, I once had a fortune that read: "You are valued for your kind words and generosity." That is not a fortune! That is a statement. Call them statement cookies then.

I am going to open up the fortune cookie on my desk to illustrate this point. Here is what it said:

"You have a reputation for being straightforward and honest."

Again, how is that a fortune? It's basically telling you characteristics that you may or may not possess. Not a fortune!

So with that in mind, here are my ways to improve fortune cookies.

No. 1 - Let's improve the taste of fortune cookies. Make them chocolate, put cream inside, even make them rum flavored! Something can be done here; all you need is a slight tweak and the fortune cookie can be a valued dessert item again.

No. 2 - Improve the fortunes or replace them entirely. I would like to see fortune cookies forecast futures even if they are a little vague, such as "You will have a good day at work today." Who wouldn't want that fortune? Or make the fortune more specific, such as "You will find $20 today." Again, who wouldn't want a fortune like that. Even if you don't find $20, at least you had a little fun with the fortune, right?!

(Also what happened to the lucky numbers? Who wouldn't like to see the return of the lucky numbers along with the fortune?)

If you can't improve the fortunes, then I say make the cookies a little larger and start including something else inside. Like maybe a toy surprise, like Cracker Jack. Maybe a little tattoo could be included inside, like a little Chinese tattoo or something. And maybe that tattoo could mean 'He walks among us, but he is not one of us.' Or maybe not.

Anyway, those are my ideas to improve fortune cookies. The only problem I can foresee is that perhaps including more specific fortunes would spur some numbnuts to sue when he or she had a fortune that did not come true. That is possibly why the fortunes we receive now are so lame and watered down.

In case you were wondering fortune cookies were created not in China, but in either Los Angeles or San Francisco in the early 20th century, depending on whom you believe.

I don't give a damn either way.