Misfortune cookie

I have decided that I am anti-fortune cookie.

I was at Panda Express last week and they made sure to hand me a fortune cookie. But I never opened it and probably never will.

Why?

Two main reasons.

The first is taste. I've never actually eaten a fortune cookie and rubbed my belly afterwards and said "That was good. MMMMMMMMM." Fortune cookies really don't taste like anything and they often get stuck in between your teeth. I've never had a pleasant experience eating a fortune cookie.

The second reason I ignore fortune cookies is the fortune inside. Generally, the fortune inside is not tempting or thrilling enough for me to open the cookie. Often the fortune inside is rather vague or offers some kind of statement, rather than a fortune. For instance, I once had a fortune that read: "You are valued for your kind words and generosity." That is not a fortune! That is a statement. Call them statement cookies then.

I am going to open up the fortune cookie on my desk to illustrate this point. Here is what it said:

"You have a reputation for being straightforward and honest."

Again, how is that a fortune? It's basically telling you characteristics that you may or may not possess. Not a fortune!

So with that in mind, here are my ways to improve fortune cookies.

No. 1 - Let's improve the taste of fortune cookies. Make them chocolate, put cream inside, even make them rum flavored! Something can be done here; all you need is a slight tweak and the fortune cookie can be a valued dessert item again.

No. 2 - Improve the fortunes or replace them entirely. I would like to see fortune cookies forecast futures even if they are a little vague, such as "You will have a good day at work today." Who wouldn't want that fortune? Or make the fortune more specific, such as "You will find $20 today." Again, who wouldn't want a fortune like that. Even if you don't find $20, at least you had a little fun with the fortune, right?!

(Also what happened to the lucky numbers? Who wouldn't like to see the return of the lucky numbers along with the fortune?)

If you can't improve the fortunes, then I say make the cookies a little larger and start including something else inside. Like maybe a toy surprise, like Cracker Jack. Maybe a little tattoo could be included inside, like a little Chinese tattoo or something. And maybe that tattoo could mean 'He walks among us, but he is not one of us.' Or maybe not.

Anyway, those are my ideas to improve fortune cookies. The only problem I can foresee is that perhaps including more specific fortunes would spur some numbnuts to sue when he or she had a fortune that did not come true. That is possibly why the fortunes we receive now are so lame and watered down.

In case you were wondering fortune cookies were created not in China, but in either Los Angeles or San Francisco in the early 20th century, depending on whom you believe.

I don't give a damn either way.

The Road to Yuckyville - Looking Back In History

Before you dug into your Raisin Bran this morning, I hope you gave a brief pause and thought to one of the Kellogg brothers, John Harvey Kellogg.

John Harvey Kellogg would have turned 105 today which is why we mention him now. He is one of a handful of fascinating characters from the late 19th century who advocated a series of -ahem - unique health principles.

John Harvey Kellogg is probably most famous for his advocacy and production of whole grain cereals. He and his brother, Will, produced whole grain cereals as a cheaper alternative to more expensive breakfast meals consisting of meat and eggs.

However, the two brothers had a falling out and Will formed his own company. Will's company eventually became The Kellogg Company, manufacturer of such fine breakfast staples as Frosted Flakes and Raisin Bran.

But that is the boring historical stuff. The fun historical stuff is the fact that John Harvey Kellogg was a doctor who ran Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan. There, Kellogg advocated a number of different health practices with a particular emphasis on enemas.

According to that wonderful reference source Wikipedia, Kellogg made sure that every patient at his sanitarium had an enema. He then had each patient eat half a yogurt and administered the rest of the yogurt through - you guessed it - an enema.

If any of this at all sounds familiar, it's because T.C. Boyle wrote a book called The Road To Wellville and that was turned into a move with the same title starring Anthony Hopkins.

We're not done yet with the story of John Harvey Kellogg! He also founded the Race Betterment Foundation. Kellogg was an advocate of eugenics and did not want white people to mix with immigrants or non-whites.

So besides being a racist and favoring shooting water up your butt, Kellogg also was against masturbation!

Kellogg suggested some unusual ways to keep boys from masturbating. Some of the methods he suggested: tying a boy's hands; covering the boys junk with a cage(!) and electrical shocking(!!)

Thankfully none of Kellogg's ideas really took root and the main lasting legacy he left us with is helping to advance the cause of breakfast cereals.

So the next time you run to the bathroom after a hearty whole grain breakfast cereal, I hope you take the time to think a little about John Harvey Kellogg. I know I will.

My Academy Awards thoughts

Watched a good portion of the Academy Awards tonight. Glad to see Martin Scorcese won for "The Departed." He was starting to get to be Peyton Manning with that whole "Best Director" thing.

Anyway, here are my thoughts lifted from Instant Messenger along with things I added in retrospect.

- I just wish they could condense the Academy Awards. There is too much pomp and circumstance and I wish it could just be 2 hours without commercials. As it is the Academy Awards now consists of two hours of shots of Jack Nicholson in the crowd and then two hours of everything else.

- I do enjoy the dead people tribute part of Oscar night. C'mon, who didn't shed a tear when they saw Don Knotts? Mr. Furley?

- Sometimes I am surprised at the people who died, like Maureen Stapleton. That one was a surprise. I guess I missed that one. Also I thought Jack Palance had already died. Maybe that was his character in City Slickers 2 I am thinking of.

- I think Eddie Murphy did not win for best supporting actor because of Norbit. That's karma paying him back for that shitty movie.

- Most documentaries win for sad topics. Maybe they should just call it the "sad film" award.

- Oh look. Jerry Seinfeld is presenting an award. Why didn't they get Kramer to present an award? He's so good on stage! Especially with his ethnic jokes!

- George Lucas is at the Academy Awards tonight. I think he is still hoping for a best actor nomination for Jar Jar Binks. "Mesa would like to thanka the Acadamie."

- I had no doubt Al Gore would win for "An Inconvenient Truth." And if he didn't win, he would appeal to the Supreme Court.

- Do you think Al Gore would trade his Oscar for the Presidency? I say no. He would trade his soul.

- Ennio Morricone wins a lifetime achievement award for his musical work on numerous films like Bugsy, The Untouchables and Police Academy 4. Ok, I made that one up. But he did score Red Sonja.

- They had Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) present an award, followed by Spider-Man (Tobey McGuire). They were in their secret identities.

- I guess that "Little Miss Sunshine" will win for Best Original Screenplay. I am right.

- Queen Latifah and John Travolta present an award together. Should these two be presenting for any awards? They have made so many crappy decisions filmwise they shouldn't even be on stage! "Last Holiday"? "Battlefield Earth"?

- Melissa Etheridge wins for best song for "An Inconvenient Truth"! She thanks her far hotter wife who we see in the audience. I take is this means Melissa is the 'husband.'

- Forrest Whitaker wins for playing Idi Amin. The Academy loves it when people play historic characters; it increases your chances of winning. Never mind that nobody actually knows what Idi Amin actually was like. At least when Jamie Foxx won for his portrayal of Ray Charles, we knew what Ray Charles was like. He walked around with sunglasses and a big smile on his face and shook his head side to side.

- Helen Mirren won for The Queen. She also played a real life person who is actually still living - Queen Latifah.

- Martin Scorcese wins "Best Director" for "The Departed." I haven't seen it, nor seen a lot of his films but I imagine that he won because A) "The Departed" was the best film in a weak crop of best pictures and B) This was finally his time. I'm sure "Raging Bull" and "Goodfellas" are better and the Academy was recognizing him for those works as well.

- I appreciate that when they presented Best Director, Francis Ford Coppola, Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas presented the award and Coppola and Spielberg teased Lucas about not winning an Academy Award. I'm sure that will upset Lucas when he goes home tonight to sleep on his billions of dollars and tomorrow when he swims through his Money Bin.

- The Best Picture is announced and it's... The Departed! Like I say, in a year filled with films that didn't seem to be really full of "Ooomph" "The Departed" seemed more likely to win. However, I still think it was a disservice that "Beerfest" was not nominated for "Best Picture." I cannot think of a movie from 2006 that I enjoyed more.

Well, anyway, that was the Academy Awards. My early prediction for next year? "Norbit" sweeps all the major categories. You read it here first.

Joe's Book Club No. 1

I've decided that because blogging can be tough to do day after day that it would be fun to write about some books that I have read and can share with you, my audience. All two of you.

And because I like to read, you can be sure that these will be some Grade A, thought provoking books. And because this blog will likely be read by people I know, I will try to stay away from some books that I have discussed with you people and instead will focus on some more obscure ones that I think you should check out. (Also some of the books I list here I may be fuzzy on the details because I have not read them in a while but I will do my best to remember enough about them to intrigue you.)

For instance today, I would like to talk about the two books written by Malcolm Gladwell: The Tipping Point and Blink.

I read them both and let me first say, these books will make you feel immensely smarter after having read them. You may not actually be smarter but they will make you feel smarter.

The second thing I would like to say is that both books are extremely well written despite the fact that their author is Sideshow Bob.

Anyway let me start by talking about The Tipping Point, published in 2002. Both books are essentially social science books but The Tipping Point is the one that was embraced by the business community.

In the Tipping Point, Gladwell essentially writes about how things become popular - when something moves past being "word of mouth" and becomes a phenomenon.

The business community glommed onto The Tipping Point because of what the book's theories and examples could mean for their products but there are greater social aspects to the book as well. Gladwell writes about how messages can be passed along and become a great phenomenon as well.

The book is extremely well researched and written. Gladwell has the ability to illustrate a complex subject with easy to understand examples. And although nonfiction, the size of the book (its written on eight by five paper) and its length (304 pages) makes it easily digestible and easy to knock out in just a few sittings.

I actually read Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking first although it was published in 2005.

And I enjoyed Blink a little bit more, perhaps because it deals with our mind and why we think the way we do. It's the type of book that makes you sit back and ponder why you think and react the way you do.

Blink examines how some people, such as art critics, for instance, are able to tell that a seemingly antique priceless artwork piece is actually a fake. Gladwell looks at other examples of how people instinctively react and are correct whereas others may react less quickly but with more tragic results.

Again, Blink is exceedingly well crafted and easy to read. The book is the same dimensions as Tipping Point and at 320 pages is a little bit longer but not by much.

I recommend reading Blink first and if you like it, picking up The Tipping Point. Both are good and if you are in the mood for non-fiction that is informative and interesting you can't get much better than this.

The 5 best blonde teenage villians from 1980s movies

So this weekend I was watching Better Off Dead again and while I thoroughly enjoy the performance of John Cusack as Lane Meyer, I also enjoy that the plot contains what almost every great 1980s teen film needs - a blonde teenage villain.

In the case of Better Off Dead, that villain is one Roy Stalin - captain of the ski team and the only one in town who can ski the K-12. Like all 80s teen villains, Stalin serves as a rival to Lane Meyer. Stalin has stolen Lane's ex-girlfriend Beth; he is part of the cool crowd; and he's a dick.

But watching Stalin (Also love the name) I got to thinking: Who is the all-time greatest blonde teenage villain from the 1980s. I decided to rank only five because that's all I can really think of. I ranked my teen villains in categories: General Meanness, Rival for Hot Girl's Affection, Athletic Ability; and Comeuppancatibility (Basically, is the villain shamed?)

Here are my rankings:

5. Chaz - From "Back To School"- Chaz was the rival to Rodney Dangerfield's son, played by the same guy who drove Christine in the movie "Christine." Anyway, Chaz and Christine's driver are on the same swim team and both are vying for the hand of Valerie. But Chaz at the end of the movie fakes an injury thus forcing Rodney Dangerfield to do the triple lindy.

General meanness: 6

Rival for hot girl's affection: 8

Athletic ability: 6

Comeuppcancability:7

4. Mick - From "Teen Wolf" - Although not blonde, Mick may as well have been. I included him on this list despite his hair color because he is representative of what all 1980s villains should be. He and Michael J. Fox are both vying for the hand of the hot blonde girl, Mick is overall better at basketball than Michael J. Fox (as well he should be considering Michael J. Fox is a 5'5" Canadian), Mick is a dick of the highest order (Who can forget such lines as "Shoot it fatboy!" and "You don't scare me, freak. Underneath all that hair, you're still a dork, Scott. I've handled your kind before. Your mama used to steal chickens out of the backyard until I blew her head off with a shotgun. Right, Scott?") and as far as Comeuppancability who can forget the look on his face after Michael J. Fox hits the final free throw to win the game?

General meanness: 10 (He's off the charts in assholeness)

Rival for hot girl's affection: 5 (Turns out Michael J. Fox chooses Boof in the end instead of the blonde girl. Not that Boof wasn't sweet but maybe her nickname should have been Woof.)

Athletic ability: 6 (He essentially gets beat by a short Canadian and the guy who stole Pee Wee's bicycle)

Comeuppancability: 8 (Love that last shot after the free throw falls in and the weepy victory music starts to play)

3. Johnny Lawrence - From "The Karate Kid" - Would have been ranked higher on this list but kind of undermines his villainy at the end when he hands the trophy to Daniel Larusso and needs to be saved by Mr. Miyagi at the beginning of Karate Kid II. But up to then, he is a badass. He cowers a little bit when asked by his sensei to "Sweep the leg" but that cowardice and obeying such an order just makes him more of an unlikable character. But overall, the best blonde villain performance given by this guy who was also the villain in "Back To School" see 5 and in "Just One Of The Guys."

Also check out this cool homage to The Karate Kid: www.sweeptheleg.com

General meanness: 9 (Continually bullies Daniel-san, although unlike Mick in "Teen Wolf' who hurt with words, Johnny hurt with fists)

Rival for hot girl's affection: 8 (Continually pursuing Elizabeth Shue throughout movie)

Athletic ability: 8 (Were it not for the Crane Kick, would easily have been the winner of the All Valley Karate Tournament)

Comeuppancability: 6 (Hurts himself when he hands Daniel the trophy at the end. No true villain would do such a thing)

2. Roy Stalin - From "Better Off Dead" - Lots to dislike about this guy. He is rude to every character but Beth, smacks Ricky in the face, antagonizes Lane and steals Beth. Egotistical and arrogant, Stalin would be the overall winner of my rankings except No. 1 is hard to argue.

General meanness: 8 (Generally more of a buffoon and not as cruel as others on this list. However, is manipulative and petty.)

Rival for hot girl's affection: 9 (Taking away Beth in the opening minutes of the movie is what drives Lane and makes the movie move)

Athletic ability: 9 (He can ski the K-12!)

Comeuppancability: 7 (After he loses the race to Lane "He's skiing on one ski!" Meyer, Stalin knocks his friend's hands away and walks off but nothing especially bad seems to happen to him.)

1. Stan Gable - From "Revenge of the Nerds" - Yes, indeed, Stan Gable, you deserve a big thumbs down for your treatment of the Nerds. From getting the nerds kicked out of their dorms, to mooning the nerds, to busting up the Lambda Lambda Lambda frat house, you are a true 1980s blonde asshole in every way.

General meanness: 9 (Besides his actions, who can forget: "What are you looking at nerd?" and "Those nerds are a threat to our way of life")

Rival for hot girl's affection: 10 (He and Lewis battle over Betty Childs - who was actually hot and naked - so this was a rivalry that outdoes them all.)

Athletic ability - 7 (We never actually see Stan play football but we assume he must be pretty good, right?)

Comeuppancability - 10 (At the end of the movie when everyone comes down onto the field because they are different or feel like they have been treated differently and "We Are The Champions" is playing, Stan Gable - who just lost Betty to a nerd - just watches everything and shakes his head sadly. And that is why his score in this category is so high. Gable has lost but he is too proud and stubborn to admit and will never join the nerds below him. And that is essentially what pushes him ahead of all the other villains on this list.)